Today is the big day of schemes, so let's get rolling! There are quite a few people involved, so be sure to check them all out:

Joonuper
Mame
Lynn
Lucky Lisa
Doug
Javacat
Missy
Adrian C
April
Witch
Gary N
Katherine
Angellique
Red74015
Sucka
Scott B

If you'd like to join in last minute, leave a comment so I know to visit your page, and I'll try to add you to the list so others can visit as well.

This was a lot of fun to think up, and before I begin, I want to thank Sucka, who helped me immensely by "just tossing out cities out of my arse." And so, without further adieu, I present to you:

MY PATHETIC SCAM

Good afternoon. I was wondering if you could spare a minute? You seem, I have a small problem. Normally, I hate to dump all my problems on people, but I'm at my wit's end. I have no one left to turn to, and so here I am, talking to you.

I'm originally from Chicago, but never actually spent any time there as a kid. My family had to flee the city because of my father's Mafia ties. We ended up in Sandusky, Ohio, a place on the down low enough for us to get by unnoticed.

But the Mafia has connections in places even we never imagined, and little did we know that Dirk the mechanic was one of them. He figured out who we were early on, and reported us. It was a close call, but we escaped somehow, and, being clever, we decided to head south to Kentucky. Appalachia seemed like a good spot to disappear, and an unlikely place for the Mafia to even think to look for us. Ashland, Kentucky turned out to be the first place I lived in for more than six months, what with travel time between cities and places, and having to hide ourselves all the dang time.

We were there for two years, but at the ripe old age of eight, my mom snuck me onto an open semi truck and then bid me farewell. I had no idea what it was she was doing, but now I understand that she wanted to get me as far away from all those troubles as she could.

I rode that big rig across the country. Of course, the trucker found out about me before too long, but he was a friendly fellow and made sure I had plenty to eat and a place to sleep. In Las Vegas, Nevada, he had to turn me loose, though, as I'd become a liability with his employer. So it was that I took to the streets, making my way in the town as best I could.

In Vegas, I discovered a world full of possibilities, and found that even a kid could get by on his own without too much trouble. Luckily, I was befriended by a few prostitutes, who were very nice and wanted to take care of me. Well, I stayed there for a few years, and then knew that it was time to move on. I journeyed west, and eventually wound up in San Francisco, California.

California taught me a lot, and as a young teenager I was able to learn new skills, one of which was street performing. I always remembered my father, and knew that I never wanted to end up like him. I worked hard, and as a street performer, I was able to earn enough money to get by without any help. My next goal was to learn to read and write, something I had begun to learn but never had a chance to perfect.

I met a woman named Tanya, who took a liking to me, and became my best friend. She helped me learn to read and write better, and before long I was well on my way. Still, I was never able to get a formal education, because I was out on my own. But through Tanya, I met people who were able to help me learn new skills that I could use to market myself, and education did not matter from then on.

When I was 19, I left San Francisco behind. I did not say goodbye, and to this day I miss my friend Tanya. She changed my life. I decided to head north, and wound up in Portland, Oregon. I found a job working on a fishing boat, and discovered a whole new life to be had out at sea.

Well, life sure is weird, but one day we was fishing, and had a net full of fish that was really heavy. When we finally it up, we discovered that it wasn't all fish in there. There was a person stuck inside the net, but weird, he was dead. We thought maybe he got in bad with pirates, but there's none of them in Portland. And the guy was wearing a suit, too, a real fancy one.

We checked his pockets and found his wallet. We looked at who it was, and his ID said James D. Tioni. Well, I'll be damned, this was my pop's Mafia boss. Well, I knew I had to get away, and I resolved right then that I should try to find my family.

I left then and there, the moment I hit land. Yes siree, I just walked off the dock and left. Didn't wait for the last of my pay, didn't say goodbye, just left. Well, I had bought a car, and so I packed my things and hit the road. I have here Mr. Tioni's wallet, and a business card with the town Biloxi, Mississippi written on it.

I have no idea if my folks landed there, or what, but that's the only clue I have for where to start looking. And so that's where I am now, trying to get down there. I'm not short on money, but I don't have any way to use the money I do have. Could you please cosign on this property agreement, so that I can access my bank account and get the rest of my money? I would sure appreciate that.