*Disclaimer: Phil is not a medical professional, nor does he claim to be. If any of the information found below is in any way inaccurate, Phil apologizes, and adds that if it's not true, then it should be. Also, for those who voted for the gas prices, the topic simply did not gel with the rest of this serious and mostly factual entry. I will save the gas prices for another entry, perhaps (it's a tad more serious and/or politically charged, so hence why it did not fit for today's entry). As always, I had a great time with this, though next time I think I'll try news stories again. My anecdotes seem a bit too lengthy. But now sit back, relax, and enjoy the read.
We humans are intensely curious by nature, and we have this wild and uncontrollable desire to learn about everything. We are fascinated by our environment, we have a flair for the abstract, and we are utterly engrossed in things we cannot see. In terms of the latter, one such example is the colon.
The colon is an extremely useful and vitally necessary part of the human anatomy (and of course every other animal's anatomy). Perhaps you are familiar with the intestines, the part of the digestive tract attached to the stomach that is instrumental in digestion and processing of everything we ingest. If you are familiar with said intestine, you may also be aware that it is often referred to in two parts: the small intestine and, you guessed it, the large intestine.
The large intestine, or the colon, begins at the cecum, located adjacent to the ileum, or the point of separation between the small and large intestines. The colon, for the purpose of this discussion, can be thought of as the outermost perimeter of the intestines. The colon ends in the rectum.
As I assume by now you have a very vivid image of the colon, picture in your mind a 20-foot long and 8-foot high version of the colon. This enormous colon paid a visit to my university last week, and students were granted the privelege of walking through the self-proclaimed and suitably named Super Colon!!!
Upon seeing this giant colon, one's first reaction might be that they are looking at some giant beast brought here via UFO. The thought crosses everyone's mind, because as they approach the giant colon, people immediately start scanning the surrounding area for something else to look at.
Upon closer inspection, it really is just a giant colon, and one can walk in and be educated about colorectal cancer, its prevalence, treatment, and generally useful tips on how to handle cancer and polyps. Granted, it feels foreign to stare around at such a huge colon, and surely it seems unnatural. But of course it does, you're walking through a replica of something that exists in your very body. Indeed, this is nothing from any Unidentified Flying Object, but is really one Utterly Flatulent Orifice.
Having initially come to this conclusion, I felt content that UFOs (of the outer space variety, that is) had nothing to do with the giant colon and the message it sought to project.
I was wrong. Enter a older man who seems to be a student at the university, but only barely passes for human. As I think about it now, he in fact seems less human all the time. In fact, he could probably pass for an alien practically right out of E.T.! Or perhaps Roswell.
Regardless of the "man's" history, I am confident he arrived on this planet in his own UFO, and is simply trying to get by. What gave him away, you might be asking yourself? I'll tell you.
I often eat an area on campus near a big-screen TV. The TV is for anyone's use, and lately we and quite a few others have discovered that The Price is Right is aired when we often go to eat. We love to sit, chat, and watch and laugh about The Price is Right. It makes us happy.
Enter the alien, who takes it upon himself to approach the TV and have the nerve to actually change the channel! At first, we did not care, as he came near when we usually left, but lately he comes earlier and earlier all the time. And every day, he changes the channel to either of his two favorite 24-hour news channels: Fox News or MSNBC.
What makes him alien is not only his choice of TV station, especially given the loops and repeated news, but that the rest of us suffer so much from his channel changing habit. While we write in agony every time the guy switches the channel, he can be seen (after having found his station) walking back to his table with a smug smile, before proceeding to devour his meal while glued to the news.
This guy is in desperate need of a reality check, and needs to come to his senses. I think what may do the trick is a delicious and nutritious Odwalla Bar. This delightful snack packs enough health bar power, in combination with fiber, to ensure that his colon will work overtime, and he will be unable to sit still for the duration of the news.
Yes, that will teach him.