Dear Skittles,

I am writing with regard to one of your more recent products within the last couple of years. I'm not talking about your disgusting ice cream flavored Skittles, no. I'm talking about your Skittles Gum. Whoever gave you the idea that a gum form of Skittles would be a smash hit should be lynched. Contrary to what you seem to think, Skittles gum is not, in fact, a good idea. It is just the opposite: very, very bad.

For the sake of simplicity, I have outlined a list of reasons explaining exactly why Skittles Gum needs to have all production ceased immediately.

  • You make candy. Trying out another form of the market is a huge mistake, especially when you shape your gum product exactly like your patented Skittles candy. It sends mixed messages, people. You have customers who see the gum and want to swallow it and grab more. Sure, you say that people see the package and are perfectly aware that it's not to be swallowed. But honestly, you can't beat the subconscious, and the subconscious wants to swallow those little rainbow-colored candies.
  • Your gum tastes almost exactly like your candy. So I implore you, what's the point in wanting to chew it for so much longer, especially when, as with most gums, the gum loses its flavor pretty damn quickly. Honestly, there's really no incentive.
  • Your pieces of gum are very tiny. Though they're actually slightly larger than your candy version (or the real Skittles, as I like to call them), they're not as large as a normal stick of gum. Even Trident manufactures larger pieces of gum. What does this mean to you? It means that you have to pop approximately 6-8 "pieces" of Skittles gum into your mouth in order to actually have enough to chew like real gum. The one tiny piece just makes you want to swallow the thing that much more.
  • The consistency of your gum is still very much like candy. In other words, its quality as a gum is pretty low-grade. Try blowing a bubble with a half-dozen pieces in your mouth, and you'll see what I'm saying.
  • No one really needs your super-sweet gum. Plus, if we really want sugary gum, there's always Bubblicious or the classic Fruit Stripe Gum.

I urge you to stop making Skittles Gum as soon as possible. You'll keep your faithful Skittle-loving fans and they'll be overjoyed to still be able to eat Skittles. Drop the gum and stick to what you're good at. Do it.

Yours truly,

Phil