Chanukah Clause

If you ever wondered about who would be the absolute worst Santa Claus ever, let me spare you the trouble. You're looking at him. See, we're doing this Secret Santa deal at work. And when asked if I wanted to participate, I said sure! But my Jewish ass had no idea how the whole Secret Santa thing works. Oh, and I didn't bother mentioning that to anyone. I just figured I'd figure it out one way or another. By not really paying attention to anything other than the strange little survey I had to go on for the poor soul for whom I'm playing Santa. And, truth be told, I hadn't the slightest idea how to use all the little clues provided from the questionnaire for this business. Pathetic, I know. Perhaps I can blame my unworthiness as a Secret Santa on the fact that tonight is the first night of Chanukah. It sort of snuck up on me, and before I could even think to go in search of a fabulous menorah, the holiday is already upon me. So what have I got instead? Probably the cheesiest and most dreadful version of a menorah the world has ever seen. It's cloth, and has little cloth candle flames to place on the thing. It's symbolic and shit, so it'll do for now. And it's travel friendly, which is good because I'll be traveling this weekend. But next year, I aim to have a menorah so incredible that people all around will suddenly want to convert just so they can go out and get one just like it. Or, at the very least, they'll want to be honorary Jews for the week, and come over to my house and celebrate with me.

Speaking of which, I saw the most interesting sign tonight coming home from the grocery store. There's this one church a mile or so up the street from me that always has strange quotes on the sign out front, facing the street. The marquee displayed the following message:

Happy Hanukkah to all our Jewish friends. Shalom.

What surprised me was not this nice message from the Perfected Jews of this particular church*, but rather the fact that it made perfect sense. Grammatically. Because the place is notorious for its total lack of syntax with regard to its marquee. I think the last message it had displayed said something like:

A Christian is someone through which Jesus speaks.

Aside from the fact that they totally misused their pronouns, thereby referring to a person as something non-human or inanimate (as in they should have said "through whom"), the message itself really just makes no sense. Every time I saw it, I'd try to wrap my head around what they were trying to get at, and still I fail. But I give them props for the cool Chanukah message.

*Note: I have no idea how this particular church feels about Evil Ann. I seriously doubt they follow that bitch's logic about Christians being "Perfected Jews" (i.e. the nice message they had posted on their marquee is a good indication that they're pretty cool). I included the phrase for humorous purposes only, as well as to make a statement (again) about how much Ann Coulter sucks at life.