Tonight I feel like coming up with a list. Not just any list, either. A list of fucked up things, in varying degrees, presented in order of least to must fucked up, because it’s more fun that way. Plus, it seemed an opportune time to use obscenely vulgar language for no reason in particular.

  • Since I’ve been in LA, I have noted its brilliantly awful reputation for driving. I’ve also documented how shitty the parking around here can be. Speaking of parking, let’s tally how many SUVs are driven around here. TOO FUCKING MANY, that’s how many. No doubt they’re all bought for the super inclement weather for which SoCal is famous. But that’s not even the fucked up part. The fucked up part is that people park fucking H2 Hummers in parking spaces marked COMPACT.
  • The nearest post office to where I’m living ranks among the top five grossest places in which I’ve ever set foot. It’s in a building that should have been condemned twenty years ago, and it smells like a barber shop that hasn’t been cleaned in at least a month. Every time I walk into the place, my eyes instantly look down, expecting to find tufts of hair everywhere. Today, I nearly offered to grab one of the special hair brooms and sweep the place up a little bit before I remembered that I was supposed to be in line to mail something. So if some of those postal workers there wind up with some never-before-seen illness, I won’t be surprised. They’re all pretty far gone as it is, what with their crazily toothy smiles and totally strange senses of humor. I swear one of the guys today cracked up just by putting a dated stamp on a package. Shit.

And most fucked up of all…

  • Plants out here are blooming already. But that’s not what I’m getting at. I have some pretty intense pollen allergies, and tonight they suddenly kicked in. So I’ve been sneezing quite a bit. Just when I thought I’d gotten over most of my sneezes for the evening (an irrational thought, but whatever), a sneeze decided to come up on me whilst I was brushing my teeth. I held it off as long as I could, but my efforts to stave it off only made me breathe more, and thus react to whatever pollen shit is in the air… and causing me to sneeze. Thankfully I was right at the sink, which totally saved me from potentially having to explain to my roommate exactly how I got TOOTHPASTE all over her immaculately painted walls or in her white quasi-shag carpet. But seriously. A sneeze while brushing your teeth? That’s about as fucked up as anything can get.