In case you ever wondered what would happen if you microwaved a frozen pizza that was actually meant to be oven-baked, allow me to put all such questioning thoughts to rest. But first, a few rules to avoid the fate that befell me this otherwise fine evening.

  1. Pay attention to the box of pizza you place in the shopping cart. Even if you're rushing through Target trying to grab everything you need as fast as you can because you showed up there ten minutes before they closed.
  2. Should this first step fail you, for any reason, the following step should act as a second safeguard:

  3. Pay attention to the instructions on the box before popping the pizza into the microwave for the standard 6 minutes you've become so used to for the purpose of zapping frozen pizzas.

Those are really the only two important things to remember. Should you fail to follow both of them, as I did, you're in for a real treat: boiled cheese atop a delicious-looking-but-totally-nasty-and-uncooked crust. The microwave does a fantastic job of heating things up. That amazing-looking frozen crust retains its appetizingly white color, and it's definitely hot to the touch. The cheese, in its melting and boiled glory, is just fine. Once I realized how badly I'd butchered the preparation of my savory frozen meal, I was mildly surprised that the explosion wasn't louder; or present, for that matter.

Sadly, I was forced to dispose of the pizza carcass, because there was no way I was going to eat it, and seek out other sustenance. Of course, I still have one more such pizza in the freezer, because I thought I would be clever and buy enough pizza for me to have TWO meals instead of just one. (I'm not sure if the oven actually works, or if my roommate might suddenly try to evict me for rooting through the cupboards for a pan to use, and then she may press charges against me for actually trying to use her oven, which was, until I blundered in, mint condition.) So the fate of the second oven-baked pizza is hanging in the balance. Where, at least for the moment, it shall remain.