A friend of mine recently made a video montage that used a song called "Kill the Lights" for the soundtrack. I got the song and have been listening to it repeatedly for the last few days, and the more I listen to it, the more the words haunt me. My friend Vina pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I listen to music differently than anyone she's ever met. I listen to words, and I don't simply hear lyrics to sing along to. I actually take away meaning from what I hear. And that's why, I think, this song strikes me as it does.

The band, The Birthday Massacre, has sort of a goth image. Heavy beats mixed with mellow vocals. Turns out, I quite like them. Here's a video for Kill the Lights that also has lyrics included. Basically, the song is about the superficial lives of a band. But as any good songwriter will tell you, this song isn't without its applicable metaphor.

The metaphor that applies to me happens to involve my own life before realizing that I was not even living as Phil. I knew full well that I wasn't letting myself be the fabulous person I am, but I wasn't aware, at the time, that I was a fabulous person. Nor did I allow myself to think that maybe, just maybe, while I thought I was saving others, I was hurting myself. Using the lyrics, here's where I was:

We kill the lights And put on a show It's all a lie But you'd never know The star will shine And then it will fall And you will forget it all

And then there was realization:

And after midnight We're all the same No glass shoe to bring us fame Nobody to take the blame We're falling apart

That idea of "after midnight we're all the same" was a pretty big turning point for me, and hearing the singer whisper those words sends chills down my spine. Mind, this is all very positive for me. I look back and see how far I've come in life. I think it was on my mind, and affecting me a lot today because, while working, there was a video presentation about people with differences, and I wound up having to interpret the part about gay and lesbian people. Let's just say it was powerful, and for parts of the video I may as well have been the one talking on screen. And then tonight I got my therapy in the form of Will & Grace over dinner, which made everything better.