If you've ever wondered if it was possible for getting lost to become an art form, let me now put your wonder to rest. It is indeed possible. But I've killed all the competition and proven myself to be the world's leading expert for getting lost. It can only be done by first knowing exactly where you're going, and then fucking it up beyond belief. I give you, a masterpiece: Plan: Meet friends for breakfast at 10:00 am in West Hollywood.

Action:

  • 9:30 - Review directions to the Farmer's Market and print them.
  • 9:34 - Text friends to let them know I'm on my way.
  • 9:40 - Leave house and begin the drive.
  • 9:55 - Call friends to inform them I'm running a tad late.
  • 9:58 - Miss exit off freeway I was supposed to take.
  • 10:00 - Take the next exit and attempt to use intuition to get back on track.
  • 10:07 - Intuition fails. Turn around.
  • 10:09 - Ask directions from random stranger on the street. No help.
  • 10:12 - Forced to turn right onto unfamiliar road. Now officially lost.
  • 10:14 - Pull over and break out the Thompson Guide.
  • 10:18 - Get lost in Thompson Guide. Friend calls, but doesn't have a clue where I am based on the cross streets I mention.
  • 10:23 - Bravely try driving back toward destination. Fingers crossed.
  • 10:30 - Finally get on the right track.
  • 10:40 - Still driving toward destination
  • 10:45 - Finally arrive. Yay.
  • 10:46 - Pull into parking lot only to find it's full.
  • 10:50 - Exit parking lot after waiting in line for four minutes to do so.
  • 10:52 - Wait in line to enter secondary parking lot.
  • 10:56 - Finally get parking ticket stub and go park.
  • 10:57 - Attempt to exit car only to find white SUV driven by woman with too much plastic surgery parked too close to you. Flinch at sight of her, but ask politely that she not park like an asshole. Please.
  • 10:59 - Exit car and enter Farmer's Market.
  • 11:04 - Enjoy wandering around, and enter The Grove by accident.
  • 11:07 - Realize that I'm so not where I'm supposed to be.
  • 11:10 - Turn around and head back to the more food-related area.
  • 11:13 - Finally arrive at destination. It's about damn time.

I have in the past indicated that I am directionally challenged, but I've now taken this to a whole new level. I'm talking major league baseball professional level, sans any line drives. Circles, homes. It's all about the circles.