Sheldon and Dobson: 'We Can Hear the Bells' May 19, 2008
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Mere hours after the California Supreme Court determined 4-3 that the state's ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional, a meeting was called to be held at a local San Francisco Chili's between leaders of conservative watchdog groups. The meeting was to discuss options and tactics for introducing a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage.
Andrea Lafferty, executive director of the Traditional Values Coalition (TVC), started off the meeting. She emphasized the urgency of the issue, and stated that something must be done lest traditional marriage be destroyed completely. "Before we know it, activist judges are going to force everyone to marry members of the same sex," Lafferty stated.
Patrons of the restaurant complained about the ruckus from the group meeting, and sought to have them removed from the premises. Gary Honster, a construction worker enjoying his lunch break, approached the group and asked if they'd mind toning it down, but he was met with hostility. "They're really nasty people," he said. "And anyway, gay people still find one another even without being allowed to marry, so what's the point? If they really wanted to make a difference, they could, like, fight homelessness and hunger."
The group was not thrown out of the restaurant, however. Due to their literal take on laws and Biblical verse, they were able to find a loophole in the Chili's restaurant policy, and threatened to push for a constitutional amendment barring all Chili's restaurants from serving its delicious array of food to heterosexuals.
James Dobson, Ph.D. and founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, was the first presenter at the meeting. "Marriage is a privilege, and should include only one penis and one vagina," Dobson asserted. This was as far as his lecture went, however, due to TVC Chairman Reverend Louis P. Sheldon interrupting him.
"It was so crazy," Chili's manager Jennifer Cornell stated in an interview after the event. "Rev. Sheldon got up from his chair, ran up to the front, and started making out with James Dobson! The whole restaurant stopped to watch."
Dobson and Sheldon were unabashed, and reported that they fell in love the moment they saw one another. "We took Tae Bo classes together," said Sheldon. "Jim and I were just waiting for the right moment, and because we're both so religious, the right moment was the time when we could officially tie the knot." Dobson and Sheldon joined the many happy couples who signing up for marriage licenses, and are thirteenth on the list. The two lovebirds are thrilled that they no longer have to hide behind the veil of fundamental conservativism, and can love one another in a committed relationship sanctified and protected under law.
When asked about his current marriage of 51 years with his wife, Sheldon replied, "Well, because this Supreme Court ruling effectively destroyed the sanctity of marriage defined as between only a man and a woman, I figure our marriage is null and void." Sheldon says he plans on having his partner at TVC, Andrea Lafferty, be his best man.
*All events and quotes in this story are fictional and are for satirical purposes only. All characters are fictional, with the exception of James Dobson, Andrea Lafferty, and Louis Sheldon. Those three are real people, and really are fighting to limit the rights of some of their fellow citizens who have done nothing to limit any rights of theirs. This blog entry is inspired by recent events, as well as the fine writers at The Onion.