Repent thine evolutionary thoughts lest ye burn for your wickedness!

It's not every day you try on a brand new pair of shorts you recently purchased from Target and discover, much to your surprise, that someone who really cares about your soul has left you a little gift. I was the recipient of one such gift today. In fact, I was wearing a brand new pair of shorts I got at Target last week. Fancy that! I noticed that my front left pocket had a folded paper something inside it, and when I pulled it out, I had, in my hot little hands, an adorable little cartoon book aptly titled "In the Beginning." Depicted on the cover was a nature background filled with dinosaurs, and opposite the picture was the title "In the Beginning." Could it be? Was I the unsuspecting target audience of some religious fanatic who, in a hasty act of cowardice, slipped the little booklet into the pocket of a pair of shorts that I was destined to buy? Why, yes! It seems I was!

And so it was, I was entertained for five whole minutes by propaganda that was so poorly written and drawn that watching a cow defecate would have been better and more educational use of my time. I think I'd fire the editor for letting something go to price that starts with the introduction of dinosaurs, the rejection of the Big Bang theory, the chronicling of the seven days of creation that included the creation of water bringing forth both water creatures and (inexplicably) "winged fowl", the introduction of Adam and Eve, their subsequent eviction from the Garden of Eden, the death of one of Adam's children at the hands of his own brother, and finally, the culmination of all the bad by introducing Jesus, the bringer of good.

Clearly, I was destined to receive this book, because I am a godless, brainwashed individual who finds the evolution of life fascinating. Not to mention believable.

I must confess I was tempted to believe this pamphlet, and repent to the anonymous donor of said pamphlet that I had seen the error of my ways. Obviously, I was wrong to take all those anthropology classes in college and read all those text books. I was wrong to hold those fossils in my hand and marvel at the fact that they were, some of them, over a million years old. I was wrong to read so many different sources, and find truth in them. I knew, then, that a pamphlet of propaganda that quotes sources only from its own parent publishing company is clearly the authority here.

And yet, I found myself dissatisfied. Incomplete, if you will. Because despite the many plain truths set forth in the booklet, one thing was missing: what happened to the dinosaurs? They completely ignored the part of the story they opened with! And because no good story is complete without solid denouement, I have no choice but to give the propaganda a signature Roger Ebert TWO THUMBS WAY THE FUCK DOWN. Those would be my thumbs. The propaganda publishers thumbs, on the other hand, are no doubt shoved unceremoniously up their own asses.

Sorry, Chick Publications, but this gay Jew has determined, with little effort I might add, that you and each and every one of your writers, editors, publishers, and supporters are probably only sharing one brain cell, total. As in, the only reason your plumbing works perfectly is because you're all so full of shit, you never actually use the facilities. I can therefore only assume that all of you sit around all day discussing the fact that evolution is impossible whilst fawning over that cute new Puggle puppy who just cost you $1,000 to get.