Checking out vehicular ass. HOT.*

I never really thought about it much, but it turns out I pay way more attention to bumper stickers I see on parked cars than I ever do when I'm out driving. If I had to figure out a reason why that is, I'd say it's because cars are usually moving when I see them out on the road, and even if we're at a stoplight, they move eventually. And things that move like that do not lend themselves well to memorization. Parked cars are a different story. Like that time I saw that bumper sticker that said "Sucking Gas, Hauling Ass". That one was plastered on the back of a big fucking Chevy truck that always parked in front of my old apartment building here in Albuquerque. It only took me a few months and the addition of prescription glasses to notice it.

At Robert's apartment complex, I've noticed a number of interesting bumper stickers displayed proudly throughout the parking lot. When we were leaving this morning, I noticed one that said "Your hair sucks; I'll fix it!" When I see bumper stickers like this, I try to imagine what the person looks like. Like, the one with the "hauling ass" bumper sticker on the truck is obviously male, a classic "man's man" with a big chest resulting from too much beer rather than working out, and he probably wears a cowboy hat whenever he needs to look nice. The one proclaiming that "your hair sucks" is probably a bitchy gay man who tries too hard and overuses the word like.

There's this one car that I've noticed always parks in the same area, and it has progressively gotten more bumper stickered. It's one of those big fluffy Jeep Grand Cherokees. At first, it had only a rainbow sticker. Definitely gay. Then it added a "Come out, come out wherever you are" sticker, also with rainbows. Certifiably gay. Then, on the back window, one of those images of two female silhouettes appeared, sort of like the famous mudflap girls. And they're rainbow colored. Hello, lesbian! At that point, I was certain that the owner of that car was a stocky, husky, butch lesbian with short hair who always wore blue jeans.

Then I arrived in town on this trip, and there's a new sticker added. Much to my delight, it's a plain what sticker that says "SEXUALLY", and it's hastily plastered right next to the "Come out" sticker. Then last week, we're getting back from the grocery store, and my wildest dream comes true: I see two women emerge from that Jeep, and the one climbing out of the driver's seat is is 5'4", wears her hair in a crew cut, and is sporting jeans and a gray shirt. And suddenly I'm laughing out loud and slapping my knee and congratulating myself for the sheer brilliance of my prediction. It never occurred to me that she might notice me, and fortunately she didn't.

I think she's got quite the game going too, though, because the other day I noticed another white bumper sticker, which incidentally also said "SEXUALLY", on the rear of another nearby vehicle. Only this one was a white pickup truck, and the new sticker was attached right next one of those American flag bumper stickers that says something like "These colors spell freedom." I guess the goal trying to be achieved there was irony?

*It occurred to me that maybe I should take pictures, because how fun would that be! If I remember to do so, I will. But before they get posted I'll have to hone my stunning lack of Photoshop skills so I can scrub out license plates and such. You know, so that my ass doesn't get sued.