There's this one story I've been meaning to write down for, oh, the last two years or so. (It happened more like four or five years ago, but I decided that I wanted to write it down only two years ago.) For the sake of background, I'll briefly explain: It's the story of how my gregarious nature got me in trouble with this one girl coworker of mine. I was an innocent college sophomore, and she was looking for love. In all the wrong places. (Read: She wanted my body.) My friend Sarah once pointed out that a girl would have to "hit me over the head and tell me she liked me" in order for me to actually be aware of her liking me. She was right, of course, and this coworker girl was one such person who did just that, only in the form of an email. I had quit my job, and she felt it safe to email me and gush her heart out. She even informed me that that time I was simply being a friendly coworker by going with her to lunch was considered, by her, to be nothing short of a come-on.
Being the pragmatic and sensitive guy I am, I responded to said email: "Um, I don't like you like that." That was the gist of the message, if not the precise wording. And even now, some four or five years later, I still get emails from her. She's like my own personal stalker, though thankfully lives on the opposite side of the country.
The best thing about her emails, hands down, is that in every single message, she makes it a point to tell me about the guy she's with. He's generally older and more muscular than I am, judging by her description(s), and I can't help but giggle at the fact that she's trying to make it seem like she was the apple of my eye but became the fish that swam away. To which I would reply, "WHATEVER, GIRLFRIEND, I'M NOT THE ONE SENDING DESPERATE EMAILS FIVE TIMES A YEAR."
Just for kicks, here's an excerpt from her latest:
"...A lot has changed since the last time I saw you. I met a great guy. Someone whom I've looking for [sic] a long time. His name is Andrew and I work with him. He is 29 and I absolutely love him. We are going to be getting married in May; May 23rd to be exact. I'm so very happy with him. He's my other half. I just wanted to tell you the news."
But what I want to know is, if I'm such a valued friend, where's my invitation? I see no mention of where said wedding is to take place, and if an invitation will be arriving, would I mind sending her my address. I figure this means I can take the news one of two ways: I can congratulate her and say "Oh, that's so great!" or I can ignore her and quietly suspect that she still wants my body, even all these years later, and she's using her same little made-up boyfriend to unsuccessfully spark jealousy. I'm leaning toward the latter, but to be perfectly frank, I don't give a damn.