Fighting Myself

It’s day 20 of Blogvember. I’m following the prompts from Andrew Canion, which can be found here.

I don’t think of myself this way most of the time, but I love ideas. I can picture all sorts of different possibilities, and see potential. I can create a clear picture in my head of a bird’s eye view of where I am now, and where I would like to be at some arbitrary point in the future.

Where I struggle, then, is figuring out how to get from one point to another. I struggle with wanting things to be perfect, and as I’m writing this out, it’s dawning on me that perhaps the reason why is because I can’t as clearly visualize the steps, and the inevitable evolution, of the process itself. This leads to a fear of getting started, and I fight myself trying to push forward and take the chance. By focusing on the end in my head, I’m missing out on the process to get there.

The primary fear I often have is that something won’t turn out as good as I hope it will. Usually, if I procrastinate for too long, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The secondary fear I notice is that the result will be different than I expect. This is almost always the case, but usually in a way that is either better, or at least not worse.

This inner struggle plays out in many areas of my life: writing reports for my speech therapy practice, creating workshops for continuing education, and even writing on this very website.

I’d like to leave this here as a reminder to myself that I can do this, and that I grow and learn more by taking the leap than I ever will be waiting until just the “right moment” for it.